Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
