I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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