you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
