By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
