everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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