he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
