Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
