Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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