Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Four minutes until I can fart!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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