and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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