All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
