babies were throwing up all over the place
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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