Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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