3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
