Jerry, you need to find god
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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