I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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