I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
