Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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