He passed out mid-signature
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
