I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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