My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
