On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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