i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
