Ambien. No doubt about it.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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