I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
