think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
