I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
