My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
