There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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