i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla