Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.