I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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