ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
