Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
