What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
