White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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