I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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