I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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