Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
