we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
