So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
