I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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