I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
