I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
