He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
