Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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