Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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