I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
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he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
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Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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