Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
