I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
