Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
