My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
