You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
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And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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